Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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