the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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