She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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