Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
