if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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