A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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