if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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