For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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