now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
