I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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