Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
