she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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