Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
