My Higher Power is John Stamos
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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