I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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