the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
