The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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