the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
