So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize