Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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