I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
