went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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