I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
