I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
