So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
