Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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