Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
