so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I puked a lego.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
