I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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