I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
