Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
if only i could text you this smell
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
