I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
