Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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