Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize