I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
