Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
