she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish you could order shots online.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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