alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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