really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
