There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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