I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
