he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
