Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
