So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
