omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
