Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
