I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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