I showed him my bush... on skype.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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