I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
