guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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