my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
