Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
