I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
