Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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