I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
