She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
