you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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