I got her a Nickelback box set.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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