I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
