guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
ttyl tear gas
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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